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Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson’s house?
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"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said Ethan who was praying for a new bike. "Art who?" asked Ethan's mother. "Art in heaven," Ethan replied.
Christian One-Liners
Who Should Make the Coffee? Paul and Yolanda were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. Yolanda said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." Paul said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Yolanda replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should make the coffee." Paul replies, "I can't believe that! Show me." So Yolanda fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS." Fig Leaf Found When Bradley was a little boy he opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one. He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" Bradley called out. "What do you have there?" his mother asked. With astonishment in his voice, Bradley answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Paper-Eating Dog Pastor Art delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, Sassy who is very fond of eating paper, ate the other portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning." After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the Pastor Art and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours Sassy has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
Belly Buttons Explained
I asked a much younger Christine: How do babies get their belly buttons?
Her response was: God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row. Then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, “You’re done…you’re done…you’re done…”
My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad
I couldn't help but over hear three boys in the Beacon school yard bragging about their fathers.
The third boy our Very Own Aaron says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon...and it takes Four people to collect all the money!"
Restless Brittany
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
Missing Jesus It was Palm Sunday, and a 6-year old Adam had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, Adam asked what they were for. His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," Adam fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"
Pastor Art and Pastor Rod were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn around before it's too late!"
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. Many were passed along via email and others spotted on other websites and Blogs, but as with most jokes, the original authors are unknown -- but we still thank them all.
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From Dust to Dust! After church, (a much younger) Ashley tells her parents she has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "Pastor Art," Ashley says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Ashley, I did.""And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening Ashley. Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!" A Pious Old Man A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, Pator Art went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Pastor Art asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The 105 year old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Art," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
An Offering From the Bottom of My…. Bethany was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed Bethany. "Then go out the back door of the sanctuary and around to the back of the church down the stairs to the basement washrooms and throw up there," said her mother. After about sixty seconds, Bethany returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the Bethany replied. "How could you have gone all the way downstairs at the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked. "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box with a cross on top next to the back door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
Bloopers from Sunday School Students # Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. # Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. # The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. # The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Poor Attendance
Pastor Art: "How come I never see you in church anymore, Bill?"
Bill: "There are too many hypocrites there, Reverend."
Pastor Art Replies: "Don't worry, Bill; there's always room for one more."
Elijah and the Steer "To make the gravy." Biblical Theme Songs Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Some new Ideas for Our Church Sign:
Christmas Rush!
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Spencer seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Spencer responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." As a Sunday school teacher I began My lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said Mackenzie. "Really?! How do you know that?" I asked. "You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven." |